Come the Revolution

So, today I  had the misfortune to stumble across an episode of one of the BBC's more shameful forays into quiz-making. Lauded as 'the most formidable quiz team in Britain' - 'Can they be beaten?' the voiceover bellows, hamming it up in a manner suggestive of Roman gladiatorial combat. The opening sequence ends and the viewer is treated to a bunch of coffin-dodgers lined up against a powder blue backdrop, facing a motley crew of 'challengers' evidently chosen for their collective  struggle to obtain a double digit IQ. I am of course talking about the 'Eggheads'.

I cannot stand each and every one of these smug, self-aggrandizing fuckwits.

Kevin Ashman, the peculiarly unanimated winner of Mastermind has the counternance and mannerisms of someone crying out to be punched hard in the face. He is the 'jewel in the crown' of these bunch of cockwands, having won a multitude of quiz related honours and doesn't he know it. He is constitutionally incapable of just answering the fucking question, instead choosing to display his superior knowledge by offering a 'supplementary fact' after pompously proclaiming his answer, lest viewers be in any doubt that his solution was arrived at through the 33.33% probability that one of the three options is correct. He practically gets a boner trying to shout out the answer before that very nice quizmaster has finished reading out the options. Let Dermot do his job Kevin.

Next up is CJ de Mooi - bellend par excellence. de Mooi is not actually his real surname, it is a name that he gave himself when he was modelling (ha!) and is Dutch for 'the beautiful one'. He considers himself 'outspoken'. I consider him a bitchy vainglorious queen.

I haven't much to say on the subject of Chris Hughes, other than he gives the impression of being one of those men who engages in semi-autistic pursuits in his garden shed. He lives in Crewe.

Moving swiftly on we come to Judith Keppell. She of the cats arse mouth . She won 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' way before that coughing Major brought the show into disrepute. My friend had a cigarette lighter that looked just like her.

But the worst of the lot has to be Daphne Fowler. Don't be fooled by the ' sweet little old lady' persona - this woman has an inner steel and short stature comparable to Kim Jong-il. She is always, rather misogynistically, billed as the 'only female winner of Brain of Britain' as if this somehow points to superior intellect as opposed to living in Weston Super Mare and not having much of a life. She looks positively orgasmic when she sees one of the hapless challengers cocking up.

I am going to apply to be a contestant of this programme. And I will bring ricin.